Every time we go on vacation I fall into some bad patterns. This is especially true when we go back to our hometown and stay with family there. Any attempt at eating healthy I’m making goes out the window, I don’t get to exercise much, and I seem to go back to acting more like the teenager that lived there than the person I’ve become. It’s nothing to do with our family. To be honest, I’m not exactly sure why it happens. I guess I have to keep working on the self-awareness to figure that one out. In the past few years, as I’ve come to deeply value an ongoing and deep relationship with God, the worst part of these trips for me has become my propensity to largely disconnect from the Spirit while we are gone. It’s not intentional, but as I fall back into those old patters it seems I fall back to the way I engaged God in high school too (which is not much).
When we left for vacation on July 4th I vowed that this time would be different. It wasn’t. We had a great time but I came back feeling disconnected from God. The difficulty of this would have been borne of guilt in the past, but now it is much more from disappointment and the heartache of not being close to the Spirit I love so much. It actually took me until this morning to really deal with the last couple weeks. I think I wanted to avoid my disappointment in myself. But this morning as I sat with God it was a different experience than in the past for me. In those moments of honesty with God what I felt most was mourning for the two weeks I could have been walking with the Spirit and experiencing life from God’s perspective. Two weeks of being with him that I gave up for old habits. And it wasn’t because of guilt. In fact, what I felt most from God was he was glad I was back. It felt like a homecoming. I am so thankful that his love is not conditional on my actions. And I’m glad to be home.