Beating a Burger in a Staring Contest
I was at Buffalo Wild Wings Saturday night watching the freakin’ awesome game between Texas and Texas Tech, and unbeknownst to him, the guy at the table next to me provided some nice comedic material. This was one of those situations where I was sitting directly facing him because I had to position my body to be optimally directed toward the TV. I wasn’t really trying to watch him, but over time it was like when you see someone who’s underwear is hanging out or has a booger on their nose. You don’t want to look, but you just can’t help yourself. The harder you try not to the more you stare.
His food came innocently enough, and I was mostly glued to the football game. At one point, during the seventh running of some boring Lexus commercial I happened to glance at him, and he was staring down his hamburger. You may have observed a food-starer before, or maybe you are one. Before each bite of his cow and bread sandwich he would study the meat and wheat with the scrutiny of an archeologist dusting off dino bones (not the underrated board game from my childhood, but actual bones). This would go on for a little while until it seemed he saw what he was looking for and he’d dive in for another bite. Then immediately back to the sandwich observation.
Well, after a couple mintues of this my eyes are going–Texas Tech throws for 8 yards, next-table neighbor finds the right bite, Texas Tech throws for 30 yards, burger-eater is down to two bites and can’t decide which side to save for last, Texas Tech scores!, observation ends with the last bite being tossed into the hatch!
Once his meal was demolished he headed outside for a smoke. It was my luck that he stood right where I could see him, and I am not lying, I have never in my life seen a person study a cigarette like that between each puff. It was like he could not fathom how this magic stick stayed lit but didn’t burn up. Eventually that puff-puff-stare rotation also came to an end with the extinction of the tobacco. My new friend (who didn’t know we were friends) packed up and headed out. The rest of the game just wasn’t quite as much fun.